You’d never this that a little four letter word would create so much anguish and emotions would you, but here we are.
Things I love include my family, friends, my teddy bear (no really, Cshutie is the best), cheese, gin, good sunsets, big cities and dark night adventures.
Oh yeah, and Po. He’s my son.
I also loved another human being. Someone I was with for a while. I’ve discussed this many times before with my MH journey, so I won’t go in to details and bore you all again, but we broke up. Broke up before I got to tell him how I felt and I was left heartbroken. I thought time would go on and dating other people would make the pain go away and me forget all about the heartbreak and him.
What I’ve come to realise as time goes on….
8 months later and it still hurts just as much as the day it happened. I still have dreams and thoughts and all the regrets. I see a photo and I burst out crying and feel utterly empty. I speak to/date others and the sparks not there – I’m scared to commit or be hurt again. I even saw his friend in Tesco the other day, almost burst out crying and started having a panic attack in the salad aisle. I’m a firm believer in your ex is an ex for a reason, but this time? I just don’t know how or when it’s ever going to get better?!
But when I try and date anyone else, or even try to find emotion deep from within. I can’t. I’m an ice queen. I try but then I can’t be bothered. I want to be loved but I want to be left alone all at the same time. I want to be loved by him again, but at the same time I don’t.
I talk to my counsellor a lot about this. With all my other worries, coping with anxiety and depression and the huge weight of educational and financial stresses, there’s always this small, but dark cloud looming over me. First of all, like any counsellor, I always analyse the situation. My counsellor said I am actually one of the most analytical people she’s met, which is both good and bad in equal parts. Let’s go through some examples.
When I see a photo, a reminder, a red punto, even a butternut squash.. I have this wave flood over me. I tear up, I burn up inside. I want to cry and hide. My heart races and I start to sweat. And L says, well “why?”. Why do I react like that? So we go through it slowly, we talk until we hit a little mini lightbulb. On one session, we finally found a reason. I’m scared to see him because I’m scared of him rejecting me again. But not in the relationship terms. Just saying hi to him or engaging in conversation, and him rejecting me, ignore me or shut me down. I’m also scared of seeing a photo or a reminder, because I’m scared of seeing him with someone else. Maybe the next photo will be his new girlfriend? Maybe something we planned to do together? That to me signals it’s really over. Whilst I know it’s over, I think that’d be the final thing. It’s gonna be the heartbreak over again, crying in my friends arms feeling like I’m actually having a heart attack. I spent the next four days after hysterically crying, screaming and hurting, I barely ate and even my parents had to come up and stay with me because I was an absolute mess. I’m scared for that to happen again. With finding out information, and even with finding someone else.
We also talk because I’m scared I’m never going to feel that way again. No spark, no feelings, no love. Any interaction or relationship with a boy I’ve had with since has been mindless, cold and I have been very very empty. Sammy says it’s my Carrie from Sex in the City phase, which I suppose isn’t all bad, but as an overly affectionate and relationshippy person, it’s kinda hard to comes to term with. Especially when you have such a lovely guy there and everything I wanted before but now it’s there, I don’t care. I want the imperfections back, but most of all the spark, the love, my best friend. It absolutely sucks.
I know it’s all blah blah blah and self pity, but hey, that’s what my blogs all about. It’s my self indulgent place and my very own pity party. I’m hurting like crazy. There’s some expectation by older generations to have it all sorted by now. Marriage, two kids under your belt, a house. Even my friends are moving in with long term partners and are having babies and promotions. Me? I still feel like a child. No love, no children, on the brink of moving back in with my parents and still not have qualified. I know everyone progresses on their own timeline, but still, I feel lost. I feel lost I don’t have a certain someone there to have a life with and I’m scared it won’t happen again.
I’m not sure if it’s depression, heartbreak or a mix of both. But it’s bloody horrible and all I want is to not hurt over it anymore. It sucks.
Oh yeah, I don’t just go to counselling because of this, but many other reasons too. I’ve been documenting my journey about therapy (as I’ve now finished my course) and I’m excited to share a post with you all soon ❤️