So hi friends, today’s blog post is a little different from usual. It’s a thing what has been a huuuuuuuuge part of my late teens and early adulthood. Relationships. Yeah that big scary R word. So let’s talk about them today. There’s a few things I wanna get off my chest.
I’ve had a few relationships and I’ve had my fair share of boy troubles. Let’s highlight one thing: I’m a relationship type of girl. Whilst my friends and family are still the most important to me, I love having a boyfriend. I love that special connection with someone and that bond you have. The time you spend, the memories, the intimacy. I always put everything I’ve got into that person. I want to build families with them, move in, go on holidays, cook together, laugh together, cry together. But I’ve never got that far. I’m surrounded by so many friends who manage to sustain relationships for much longer periods and are (well, appear) settled. So many of my friends have all been travelling with their spouse, moving in with them, buying pets and stuff. Yet I’ve only ever got as far as going for drinks in town or ordering a takeaway? And only one boy has ever even gone far enough to meet the parents. I know these and all superficial and trivial reasons that shouldn’t really matter if it’s love, but really, it hardly ever reaches love. Well, not on their side anyway. It’s SO incredibly frustrating. And it makes you think… what have I done wrong?
Trust me, I’ve been through allllllll the break up excuses: the ‘we’re not together it shouldn’t even bother you’ (emotional abusive psycho), the cheating end, the ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, the ‘sparks gone’, the ‘you’re fucking weird’, the ‘shit I’m playing several girls and you didn’t make the final cut soz’. I’ve had them all. I’ve been with people with the emotional range of a teaspoon and then I’ve been with those who are soooooo overly affectionate, it scares me. I make as much effort as I can with those who mean most to me and I’ve always tried to. My parents, my best friends. It goes for boys too, but I just feel I’ve never managed to receive that back. And it fucking hurts. Every single time.
One thing I always thought was having a relationship was correlated with your happiness. I used to let it define me like ‘oooh yeah I’m seeing someone I’m so happy’ etc etc. And I genuinely believed it did. I’m not a relationship hopper, but I find myself meeting one boy prettttty much as soon as my old ones gone. I’ve never really had time to find happiness in myself – scary fact, but from August 2012-February this year, I don’t think I went any longer than a day without texting a boy. That is SO not healthy. When my previous relationship broke up (when I had my mental breakdown, fun times), to say I was heartbroken isn’t the word. I was destroyed. In my head, he had become the only person in my world and I struggled to talk to anyone else. I was also really badly depressed, so social situations terrified me. But I went a good three months learning to love myself. Not messaging boys, not dating, not chatting to every Tom, Dick and Harry on a night out. I spent time on me and to be honest, I’ve found it so much better when things are a bit shit or dating doesn’t work. I’m not gonna lie, it still really makes me upset and I feel doubtful and down, but it’s give me this edge of sass like ‘yaaaaas bitch glo up and show up’. As my friend’s Mother said to me, you meet everyone for a reason. People come in and out of your lives to make you into a better person, when it’s your time to stay with someone it’s your time.
I’m too chunky for Love Island (already considered the application, gave up when my friend said I needed a full body pic lol), but if anyone could find me a man who I can build all these things with, then hit me up. You’ll get an invite to the wedding.
Lots of love (because no man wants it right now lol),
Emma (and Po (my main boy always and forever)) x