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Dear A

Dear A

July 15, 2018

There are many people who come and go in your life. Some stay, some go and some really bloody hurt. I’ve been in relationships before, but I’ve never really been in a serious one like I was with A. Do you know what. I loved him. I still do, He was my first love and I’m not sure I can forget him easily. I never even got round to telling him I loved him, but I really really did.

I don’t wanna go into the ins and outs of our relationship. I kinda want to treasure all the happy memories with him for myself, and I feel it’s not right to splash around everything what happened for the privacy of both of us. But what I wanna write about is how I felt. How I STILL feel. When I first met him, I literally couldn’t take my eyes off him. We were out with friends and our mutual friends would be engaging in conversation with both of us. He was so tall and handsome, dressed all up and when he smiled I absolutely melted. But I didn’t really know him, and I’m not a girl who lusts over looks. But he spoke to me!! And we ended up having the most weird, eventful night, but to my surprise, he text me a few days later. I was so happy, and my happiness just grew and grew until we starting dating. I was smitten. I really was. Every time I saw him I couldn’t stop beaming. I couldn’t stop talking about him to everyone or thinking about him when he wasn’t there. His smell, the softness of his skin, the warmth in his laugh. His stupid little dances and catchphrases. He was my hun and I was his little hun and I was so content.

But as our relationship moved on, we started to argue. Neither of us were argumentative, so trust me, this makes disagreements a whole lot worse. But as this went on, my mood slipped and slipped and my mental health took a massive toll on the both of us. The thing is, when it ended, the feelings were very much still there. It wasn’t working, but god love is the most powerful thing. I was breaking myself apart to keep us together and it was genuinely the worst thing I’ve ever gone through in my life. I suppose when you love someone, you have to let them go, however much it still hurts. Five months later and it still feels like five days later. I know I am only young but it sucks. I don’t think anything in the world can prepare you for heartbreak.

I’ve always been a girl who hops from one boy to another. Not like I actively go hunting for a relationship or I just can’t be without a male counterpart, but I always end up crossing paths with someone I have a connection with pretty soon after it’s ended with someone else. And usually, this allows me to get over the previous. Usually, they’ve ended with some massive blow up where we dislike each other greatly or it just fizzles, so it’s kinda not as hard and crushing.

I dated someone else for a month or so recently. I mean, usually, I’m fixated completely on that current person and forget about my ex. But I’d see photos of A and I’d get little reminders and urges of me rushing to tell him all about something. It’d HURT. Like yeah, I feel a bit bad and I was really liking this new guy, but then he turned out to be a bit of a prick and I was back to square one. But instead of hurting over him, I was in agony over A.

What I’d give to go back to the beginning and start again as the person I am now. Everyone tells me not to blame myself for it ending but I can’t help but think it was all my fault. I was severely depressed and dependant on him, without him having a clue what was happening with my mental health – I’m pretty sure he just got sick to the back teeth of me bursting out crying or constantly wanting to see him for a hug because I was lonely. But then again, we had our differences, we both wanted different things and I know if we were truly meant to be together he would have fought for me. He really did try and he said he couldn’t do anything more, but to me that’s just a reflection of his feelings for me.

I know this is all stupid. I literally just want us both to be happy. He’s probably moved on and met someone else which he deserves. My friends are sick of me going on about it. But my heart is still completely crushed and it’s gonna need a whole lot of healing before I have room to romantically love someone again. Man, it sucks.

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