In novels, they often use this thing called ‘pathetic fallacy’, where emotions are depicted by things such as colours or the weather. Recently, this novel has almost come to life in my world. Aptly named Storm Emma has been causing chaos alongside the Beast from the East in the UK, causing bitterly cold and violent weather, leading to disruption and a halt to daily life. This is completely a reflection of my life right now, to me that is. It’s been a really difficult number of months.
I don’t enjoy splashing all my personal life over the internet, I’m quite good at keeping a balance between that to be shared and that to be kept private. However, I feel my blog is a journey as sorts. I want to look back at my work, my writing and yes, my feelings in the future and see how far I’ve come. The end of February 2018 was quite selfishly, probably the worst week of my life.
One thing that’s not talked about on the internet is post-graduate depression. Unis over, you’re let out into the big wide world. That’s really hard. It affects people differently and can come in issues all shapes and sizes, but for me, a number of quite significant issues have worn me completely down to rock bottom.
After being a ‘poor student’, I don’t think I ever imagined the mess I was about to get in soon after graduating. I worked full time since April to save and keep me busy over summer, but as soon as I turned 21, my hours dropped and uni began. My course is not eligible for a student loan, only an NHS bursary. Yes, I should be grateful I don’t have to pay for my course, but I receive SO little it’s impossible to live. I’m so lucky that my parents have gone out of their way to get me money for things such as rent, but I can’t help but feel a huge weight of guilt. I haven’t been financially dependant on my parents for years and it’s really hard to come to terms with it.
Uni isn’t fun anymore. I used to adore learning. University was also a massive social experience where I had numerous pockets of friends around every corner. Now, it’s empty. I live with my only friends who stayed around after graduation and I commute an 82 mile round trip each day to go to an much smaller, less social university. We’re all there training for a job. My coursemates are lovely, but it’s hard when it’s an almost dog eat dog course, harsh as it sounds. We’re all there to be the best and qualify, but most people already have their lives set up. Partners, cars, their own house, pets. This is the final piece. But for me, my life is a complete mess and I’m actually losing my independence if anything else.
This has been a killer. Last Summer I met a wonderful guy who was equally as weird as me (hard to come across, let me assure you). He has been the thing that has kept me going through these dark times… well, he was at first. Everything happened so fast and to me was so perfect, I’ve never fell for someone so fast as I did with him. However, during our relationship, I had the most devilish burning anxiety about us. As time went on, I should have listened to this. I wanted serious and intense, he wanted casual and commitment-less. It’s so hard to describe the pain of fighting your gut instinct when you’re deeply falling in love and care about another person so much. When it ended, I was completely heartbroken and numb. I still am. I think about him every day and I miss being with him, just talking to him so much. I know that I’ll be able to fall in love with someone again eventually, but right now I just don’t feel like it’ll ever happen again.
- Little Things
The little things in my life almost feel corrupted. My love of food, going to the gym. Gone. I struggle to make myself cook a meal or even enjoy eating right now. I’m always a huge advocate for going and exercising to lift my mood but I can’t even do that either. I’ve stopped writing lists, letting light into my room, even wearing wacky clothes and winged eyeliner. Just little things what make me me. I think it’s both a mix of being consumed by an obviously, toxic relationship (toxic to me, not that it was bad) and just being so low. It’s really really difficult and I can’t even describe the amount of effort it takes me just to lift the remote up to switch the tv on right now. It’s all about being proactive but I really can’t do it.
Since this week, I reached out for help. I have such incredible family and friends who are trying to pull me out of my hole. It’s made me realise who actually cares in times of darkness, and who simply runs away. I’ve been to the doctors and I’ve met up with old friends. I feel bad because although I’m being rallied around I just feel so lonely and miserable, I will definitely make it up to people when I’m better. It’s gonna be a tough few weeks, but hopefully by being proactive, taking my meds and spending time with those who care will bring me back to a better version of myself.
Also self care. Lots of self care. I’m gonna eat lots of cake as soon as I feel able to (screw holiday bod right now).